Recently, I have been feeeling down in thr dumps and I still feel like that especially with my walk in Christ. I feel that I’ve been in a serious runt in every aspect of my life. Let me give you an illustration of how I’m feeeling. I feel like I’m walking a neighborhood, and the houses on my right and left representing a blessings or answered prayer requests.
Each house owner has a direct relationship with the Lord. He talks to them and listen to them. Now me as the pedestrian onlooker is seeing this from the outside. I’m happy for the individual but I’m eviness. I know I shouldn’t be because I don’t know their walk. But I can’t help it because they are experiencing what I desire. I want to be able to communicate with God and have dialogue. I want a authentic and genuine relationship with Him. However, I don’t feel that I don’t have that. I feel hallow when I’m praying, reading my bible and even during praise and worship. I feel like I’mgoing to the motions especially with my life.
Let me finish my illustration, so as I pass all these houses thinking to myself that my house is coming up next. I’m getting hype because I’ve been praying and I have faith in God and He has heard my prayers. I’m trusting in promises and believing in His word. But I’m still walking yet another friend’s house just got build. I feel little bit discouraged but I shake it off. I think to myself, my season hasn’t arrived yet. So I continue walking and all I see are more individuals’ homes getting built even bigger and stronger. Then, I’m think to myself like whats going on God, I’m believing you and still nothing.
I feel like I’m still wondering aimlessly and yet still no answered prayer which has caused me to doubt heavyly. I’m having doubts like where God is calling me to be? Was I even obedient to what He has called me to do? Or was I acting in my own selfish desires and God never called me to do any of those things. I know God is not Santa Claus. I never saw Him in that manner but I feel like when I pray to Him, I feel as though He doesn’t hear me. Whats my purpose on earth? I feel lost and hurt. I’m downright scared out of my mind because like I have no purpose. This causes me to be more down in my runt. I get depress and feel like loser with nothing accomplished. I know that everyone has there own walk with the Lord. Everyone’s relationship is different unique and we all go through season. But when am I going to truly feel and see the present of God evident in my life. How long am I going to walk this earth aimlessly awaiting God to speak to me? I WANT MORE!!! Jeremiah 29:11 is a promise I truly stand on but yet I feel like its not a testament of my life.